And We Wait

As I sit here in this hotel room reflecting on the past couple of years it took us to reach this moment, everything feels a little surreal.

Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful. We are finally approaching our little boy’s due date, and I feel incredibly blessed to even be here. But at the same time, it’s hard not to feel emotionally detached from parts of this experience.

And honestly, I think the past month has a lot to do with that.

Maybe part of it is because I was able to carry Logan myself.

Or maybe it’s because I’m naturally someone who approaches pregnancy very holistically and intentionally.

With Logan, I had a doula, practiced Hypnobabies, avoided medications whenever possible, ate organic, and was extremely mindful about everything that went into my body.

With surrogacy, there’s only so much control you truly have.

As much as contracts exist and agreements are in writing, at the end of the day, you still have to trust another person to follow through with the choices and values that matter deeply to you.

Starting around 34 weeks, our gestational carrier began making more frequent comments about being near the end of pregnancy.

And believe me, I completely understand it.

The final stretch of pregnancy is uncomfortable, exhausting, emotional, and physically difficult. I also think part of her sharing those feelings with me was her attempt to help me feel involved in the process.

But emotionally, for me, it became more about trying to encourage patience and remind her that we still had time left to go.

At one point she brought up induction, and I remember feeling relieved when her OB explained that unless something medically concerning happened, they would not induce before 41 weeks.

Then at 35 weeks, she ended up in the ER with severe back and abdominal pain.

Of course we were grateful she went in to be evaluated because everyone involved has tried to stay proactive and cautious throughout this process.

Thankfully, baby Victor was completely fine.

The ER doctors explained that much of her discomfort was likely due to the increasing weight and pressure of late pregnancy, and they recommended additional support like belly bands to help manage it.

But if I’m being honest, this was also where some frustration started building inside me.

Every few days after that, I would receive messages saying things like:“I think it’s happening soon.”“I don’t think I’ll make it another week.”“He’s definitely coming early.”

And emotionally, that became difficult for me.

With Logan, I carried to 42 weeks and 5 days. Yes, I know that sounds absolutely insane to most people 😂 But for me, it felt important to allow him all the time he needed.

I never expected our GC to go beyond 40 weeks. But to me, 40 weeks is still the goal. The finish line.

So hearing so much focus on wanting the pregnancy to end at only 35 weeks made me feel like she was emotionally done with being pregnant and simply wanted it over with already.

This next part may sound harsh, and I understand that.

But I also think it’s important to share the emotional perspective of intended mothers who cannot carry their own children.

Being a gestational carrier is an incredible gift. It is selfless, generous, and life changing. It gives families opportunities they otherwise would never have.

But it is also, realistically, a job.

And in our case, the pregnancy had thankfully been relatively smooth overall.

To me, pregnancy feels like a marathon, and the final stretch matters enormously. Those last 6 to 8 weeks are critical emotionally, physically, and developmentally.

So when someone willingly signs up for that responsibility, that final stretch matters deeply.

Of course, I could never fully express all of these feelings openly to our GC because at the end of the day, she was carrying my child, and I always wanted to approach her with compassion and respect.

But internally, it became emotionally exhausting constantly feeling like she wanted the pregnancy to end early.

Then last week, at 37 weeks, she started having contractions that felt very intense to her.

And truly, I was extremely sympathetic to that.

We spoke several times, and after talking with the hospital, they recommended she come in to be evaluated.

Based on everything she described, I genuinely believed labor was starting.

I booked a flight to Nevada immediately.

Rich and I activated our entire emergency plan. Someone needed to stay with Logan, Rich began preparing to drive, and I headed to the airport convinced this was it.

Then during my Uber ride to the airport, she was evaluated by the hospital.

She wasn’t in labor.She wasn’t dilated.Nothing was happening.

I cannot even describe the emotional exhaustion of that moment.

I asked her if she still thought I should come anyway, and she told me no.

So I canceled my flight and took another Uber all the way back home.

At that point, all of us were emotionally drained.

This all happened on Tuesday, and Thanksgiving was two days later.

After a long conversation, Rich and I decided it was best for me to simply drive out to Nevada before Thanksgiving and stay there until the baby arrived.

Missing the birth felt unbearable to me, and given how frequently we had been on high alert, I knew I needed to advocate for being physically present for my son no matter what.

Ironically, my original plan had always been to arrive about two weeks before the due date anyway, so the timing wasn’t dramatically different from what we had already discussed.

Still, leaving Logan and missing Thanksgiving with my family was incredibly hard emotionally.

I explained my updated plans to our GC and also made arrangements to attend the OB appointment scheduled for the day after Thanksgiving.

To her credit, she did genuinely seem to feel bad that I was missing the holiday with my family, and I truly don’t believe her intentions were ever cruel or selfish.

I think the end of pregnancy becomes a mental battle, and one that can feel overwhelming physically and emotionally.

Wanting relief is human.

But I also knew how important it was to stay mentally grounded and focused on getting our baby safely to full term if possible.

I even offered her a session with my doula and life coach in hopes that it might help her mentally navigate the final stretch of pregnancy more peacefully, and thankfully she agreed to it before the Friday appointment.

I was honestly so grateful to attend that appointment in person because it allowed me to finally advocate face to face for my baby instead of through text messages.

Her OB is much older, and while I respect his experience, many of his approaches simply don’t align with my personal values surrounding birth and pregnancy.

For example, he checked her cervix at every single appointment, something I personally declined throughout my pregnancy with Logan after researching it extensively.

These are the moments during surrogacy where you are reminded that you ultimately do not have control over everything, and emotionally that can feel very difficult.

At the appointment, she was 2 centimeters dilated.

Which, realistically, means almost nothing. Women can remain dilated for weeks before labor begins.

But for our GC, that number represented hope that labor was imminent.

After the doctor left the room, she brought up induction again.

This conversation felt much heavier in person because instead of texting, I could look directly into her eyes and advocate for what I genuinely believed was best for my baby.

I reminded her again what her own doctor had said and explained that I personally did not feel comfortable intentionally pushing for delivery several weeks before the due date unless medically necessary.

I didn’t want to risk an unnecessary NICU stay simply because everyone was emotionally exhausted and ready to be done.

I did tell her we could revisit the discussion again at the 39 week appointment if needed.

As I write this, I truly want to make clear how much empathy I have for her.

I understand her discomfort.I understand her fear.I understand the mental exhaustion that comes with late pregnancy.

And I continue trying to support her however I can.

But at times, I also feel emotionally helpless when it seems like my perspective and fears as the intended mother are harder for her to fully understand.

Even last night, I received another text saying she didn’t think we would even make it to the 38 week appointment because if she sneezed, the baby might come out.

So for now, my goal is simple.

To continue putting loving energy into the world and trusting that baby Victor will arrive exactly when he is meant to.

He is already deeply loved.Already deeply wanted.Already deeply cared for.

We are all excited to meet him.

And I hope that these moments of waiting, anxiety, frustration, and uncertainty never overshadow the beauty of what we have been so incredibly fortunate to experience ❤️

Picture from our Thanksgiving turkey trot apart